Hello and Goodbye...

Tic-toc... time is moving..my second week and my last month in Malaysia..

My mind is full of thoughts...too boring maybe. Yesterday, I passed my with my old classmate in English course, a quiet Korean boy. We used to be a good classmate in English course two years ago but we just seldom talking each other. After all, we just said "hello", 'hi', waved our hand, smiled then passed...

Till yesterday I saw him quite long..when we passed by. How long I haven't met this boy? Will I meet him again? Maybe not, the last thought is 'I will never see him again'..

This moment has made me think...Should I say goodbye to all my friends here before I leave this country? Should I make farewell with my friends here? Will we meet again? what would it be like? Will we still be friends?

How hard is saying "goodbye"~~~

But then, even though we are in the same country with our best friends, how often we meet each other? how often we talk with them? not only to friends, also to our family who we grew up with under the same roof

I counted how long I have spent time with my family... (ok I never can count time...those huors, mins, secs come to my mind hehe) but then, I just knew, it was much lesser time I spent with my old friends ..

I can't hope everything will be last forever. I had joy , I had fun, and I knew it would end one day ..

But I don't like saying goodbye and sad ending. Sometimes my intuition works, I just know I will meet him/ her again one day or wont meet him/her again ever in my life...

anyway, if u tell me "I' m gonna miss you", "We wont meet again.."

I would say:" Don't worry, we will meet again one day." I'm pretty sure with my unsure feelings who knows??!

The New Year is a new beginning

HOLA! HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011

Today is the first day of 2011. What is so special about new year? actually we do the same things as like yesterday and our normal days , don't we?

For me, the new year is new hopes that will come to my life, new stories to learn for the end of the year, new challenges so just get ready for it. I'm a quite adventurous person about new things. Am I always sound positive? HOnestly, I'm not. I have severe nervous attack and my brain can't stop imagining the worst events before I make a big decision or gonna do a new thing. Cause of this negative mind, it results on stress and sickness. what will happen when I'm doing this? Will I meet nice people there? Will they hate me ? what if they do this and that? what if I cant do well? will I be failed? "what if ".. and "will" questions are coming .

This anxiety disorder (that's I would call it to make it easy) was even damn worst when I was a teenager , high school period was a nightmare and college world was much better, I can't say it was a wonderful moment as like other people.

I still remember when I got my first English speech in the public. I was never thought be a winner in that speech would be so challenging mentally. I did my English competition in the afternoon and I won. I was so relax in the afternoon because I had prepared enough when it was my turn to deliver my speech.

P.S: it was only a small competition where I competed with other chosen classmates.

And suddenly, the jury told me the winner should deliver the speech again in front of parents and all students in the evening. DANG! starting from that hour, minute, and second, my heart was beating so fast and It was going to explode nearly my turn in the evening. I was walking back-forth hundreds times like an iron (if I was a real iron, the cloth would burn) and drinking all the way coz I had butterfly in my stomach (I dun wanna puke bfore my turn) ..my friend always laughing so hard every time she remembered this..

In the end, I did well with catatonic posture on the stage. I could not make a flexible gesture, my hands and feet seemed nailed on the place. I could not give my best smile to the audience. All I wanted was getting that speech done and walked down from the stage.

There is a sentence, everything is actually not that worst as we imagine. When I looked back, I have passed all those stupid anxiety making events, the results were not bad. And those challenges finally passed.

A title of one stories from Ajahn Brahm's book reminds me:

"In the end, This is gonna be over". It is applied when you are in the extremely hilarious mood, euphoria or in the desperately side of gloomy, stress and sadness... It is all gonna be over..

This sentence is gonna be my guide for 2011, cause I'm a bit nervous about studying to China next month~sigh. Anyway, it is gonna be a new story for me in 2011 as well...

Feeling back HOME

This December 2010 is the happiest month because I am at HOME.. the greatest feeling of going back is the feeling of all hassle things at home. My home is not a typical quite family and peaceful environment. We all have loud voice (I'm loud at home only). My parents and my sister are having high volume voice, we like shouting and yelling each other, it is not fun but that's my family type. I always wondering our neighbour might get used to it already and think our family always have arguments. While we tell about A topic it will develop to another D, G.F topic, from the past to present. It's funny somehow when I think of that. And, it is normal for me for not talking whole day. we are not a romantic family with lots of hug and kisses or warmth words. Well, this is not only my family and I think all families in this world would have the same experience. All I can say here is I love my family :D..


Another feeling is when I came to the temple and prayed in Sanskrit and Indonesian. I really love this feeling and how I missed to recite those mantras for ages. It feels fresh and enlightened my mind. I always pray "please always lead and guide me to the right way" because deeply inside, my heart telling me something has changed and I might go to the wrong way.

and oh yeah, I met my long lost friends. We havent met for ages..It was really nice while we were talking and laughing. Love you all my friends and sorry because we have lose contact for a long time and we will lost contact again. However, I believe...
"It does not matter if the person you used to close with or maybe this person has significantly changed and forget about you. Yet, the most important is you will always know and remember the feeling you have shared together. This feeling will never be replaced in your heart." We enjoyed the laughter and happiness and wish it will last and we hope we could forget all misery and sadness events in the past. In the end, all these memories would stay still in our deepest unconscious mind.

I might blame How could he/she change and totally different from the past, but then I realized that I am not the same person as yesterday and so does everyone..

Smile, how simple it is..

Today, I was inspired by the teaching of an American monk named Vimala Ramsi and I would like to write it back what I've got from the talk. He taught about meditation and how simple it is based on Sutta/ the origin of Buddha's teaching.

Meditation is purely to bring happiness for us thus we always see Buddha with a little smiling expression. We always think that this life is full of pain and suffer. We feel suffer because we have desire and attachment. While we can fulfill our desire we feel suffer like sadness, disappointment and all negative feelings come up. Could you still smile when you feel suffer? Yeah, everybody could.

Smiling every day would bring happiness even though we are in a bad mood. It is part of meditation though. When you aware with your anger or sad feeling you would not take it personally and see it as "it's only..." . You will not fight back or indulge in that feelings but just see it as "Oh, it's anger.." not "I'm MAD!"..... Of course, you have to practice it over time and I believe everyone can do it. It's important to know, hear the truth and when you can just "laugh" to it, you would feel relief and happy. Knowing the truth sometimes makes you deeply painful but then when you can just laugh to it, Why should I bother? It is a good thing!

We could radiate love and kindness by smiling, it shouldnt be reflected by our face but we can smile from our heart. When we see people suffering we CAN'T help to let go their pain, because it is "theirs".. we can not do nothing and we do not have to add more people by sharing pain..(this is the ultimate point for me, because I always think we should be sad in the sad situation or meeting sad people). Well.... we do not have to laugh or crazily smile while facing terribly sad situation but instead of doing that we could radiate our love and kindness, hope that they will be happy in their life and make them smile. Believe it or not, smile expression can stimulate positive signal to our brain and bring out happiness feeling. Plus, it is contagious! when we smile to others they (of course) have to smile back so that we give them one shot happiness ;p..

Overall, keep practicing smile to everybody and spread happiness, love and kindness from our heart. When happiness is an option, why we can not choose it as part of our life, having fun with problems and hurts (this is my words) and in the end you just look back and smile to it.

2010 Memories

WOW! It is almost the end of year 2010. Today I was reading one of my friend's blog and it is inspiring me to update my personal blog. I totally forgot about my own blog~~ sorry my blog :p

This time I am going to reflect back my 2010. Once, my friend asked me "how do you think of 2010, now is December.."

well...well.... All of sudden every moment flashed in my mind. What I have done so far..? what things i feel not satisfied? and in the end I can't regret of everything happened in my 2010.. what I can say "each year has different story, different moment and different goal"

This year I have noticed something changed with myself either I'm going mature or less mature :/ haha..

anyway, I realize Who Am I indeed. I am still a shy and reserved girl but this year I could do something that I would have never imagined. I do not have to explain what I did here. I could have lost the "OLD" me. Fortunately, it does not happen.

Thanks to people who I met this year with their totally opposite mind, attitude and behavior. The good thing is I can stand on myself, cause it is morality and psychologically challenging. I can't judge how bad people from their behavior because I know I am not good enough and not my business though. And it is totally wrong if I am comparing myself with others~ Everyone has different world.

"Letting go" lesson~ I saw how hard to let go someone who we love (because he/she leaves you or you have to leave him/her). Tears, angers, hatred, and denial. Forgive is the hardest part and I believe the harder we can forgive this person, the harder we can forget. By the way, it is not only about love issue, also for every relationship we have with family, relatives, and friends.

It is easily to say yeah.. I know. What I know, it is important to protect your own heart and yourself. After all, it is just mind-game where we do not focus much on how suffer and desperate your life cause actually it is not as worst as you think.

I met many people and see how people actually lost in their life, you know you're not alone. And some people who are really confidence with their life path and success. I might be the one who still do not know my future and I am desperately need a stable life. Every night I tell to myself, Ok, D.. what's next? what are you going to do next? a year has gone. My mood was up and down lately. I have finished all things here (just a little more) and I'm ready for the next stage of my life..

I would miss all FUN and relax time in Malaysia (maybe relax is not the right word because I always have something to do, finding something to make me busy or just to kill my time. I'm easily bored actually. However, it is considered as RELAX compare than super busy women at my age).

In the end, again, I'm struggling with myself, "Come on! what do you want?!" ~~!!

A Story of Emotions

"Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feeling lived:

Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"

Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"

"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat, " Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."

"Oh..........Love, I am so sad that I need to be myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love. I will take you." It was an elder.

So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder.

Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"

"It was Time," Knowledge answered.

"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered,

"Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is"

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This story I copied from a website. I feel touched with this simple story so I'd like to share with all readers here. This story reminds me with the real world where people has forgot about what is Love and caring people we love.

Last but not least, the last favorite sentence:

"Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is"

It makes me really believe that Time can make people value love, respect and grateful with what we have now.

A brief notes

My hobby is one of nerds' hobbies and you may feel I'm so nerd because I enjoy studying :D.. and yeah I absolutely enjoy it. I like facing books but more than that I really love the "class" experience. In these 20 days, I met different people from different country. I'm gonna jot down a note from what we have shared and it is something new for me. It is not about the English lesson I have got sound too academic!) but it is interesting stories I have got.

* My UK teacher pronounced "bus" with "bos" . Then one of my classmates asked her that how to say "bus"? was it "bos" ? I thought I was the only one who was misheard. Later on, my teacher told us that in UK, every 15 KM distance, they speak in different accent! Let's say "cup" it is pronounced 'kap', but every 15 KM you can hear different pronounce, 'kop', 'kup'. And not all accent sound like in the "Harry Potter" .. the best English accent in that movie , according to my teacher is Hermione. She has "Posh" accent it is similar like "high-accent" style in UK.

*No offence about this. Malaysian-chinese loves to have white skin color instead of tan! why? it is silly though, but my friend said that it was because people would misunderstand that person was Malaysian not a chinese if she had "tan" skin color.

* In Iraq, there is no mailing address. Then, how they post goods? It is only through public places where they can get their posts. Also, if we want to find one's address there, just meet in public places. Plus, there is no electric there.

* In Tunisia, there are seven lakes (I don't know the name) and everything is thrown in these lakes (e.g stones) will be floating on the surface of the water. In these lake , there are two water taste which are salty and sweet!

* There are millions of camels in Australia.