Today is the first day of 2011. What is so special about new year? actually we do the same things as like yesterday and our normal days , don't we?
For me, the new year is new hopes that will come to my life, new stories to learn for the end of the year, new challenges so just get ready for it. I'm a quite adventurous person about new things. Am I always sound positive? HOnestly, I'm not. I have severe nervous attack and my brain can't stop imagining the worst events before I make a big decision or gonna do a new thing. Cause of this negative mind, it results on stress and sickness. what will happen when I'm doing this? Will I meet nice people there? Will they hate me ? what if they do this and that? what if I cant do well? will I be failed? "what if ".. and "will" questions are coming .
This anxiety disorder (that's I would call it to make it easy) was even damn worst when I was a teenager , high school period was a nightmare and college world was much better, I can't say it was a wonderful moment as like other people.
I still remember when I got my first English speech in the public. I was never thought be a winner in that speech would be so challenging mentally. I did my English competition in the afternoon and I won. I was so relax in the afternoon because I had prepared enough when it was my turn to deliver my speech.
P.S: it was only a small competition where I competed with other chosen classmates.
And suddenly, the jury told me the winner should deliver the speech again in front of parents and all students in the evening. DANG! starting from that hour, minute, and second, my heart was beating so fast and It was going to explode nearly my turn in the evening. I was walking back-forth hundreds times like an iron (if I was a real iron, the cloth would burn) and drinking all the way coz I had butterfly in my stomach (I dun wanna puke bfore my turn) ..my friend always laughing so hard every time she remembered this..
In the end, I did well with catatonic posture on the stage. I could not make a flexible gesture, my hands and feet seemed nailed on the place. I could not give my best smile to the audience. All I wanted was getting that speech done and walked down from the stage.
There is a sentence, everything is actually not that worst as we imagine. When I looked back, I have passed all those stupid anxiety making events, the results were not bad. And those challenges finally passed.
A title of one stories from Ajahn Brahm's book reminds me:
"In the end, This is gonna be over". It is applied when you are in the extremely hilarious mood, euphoria or in the desperately side of gloomy, stress and sadness... It is all gonna be over..
This sentence is gonna be my guide for 2011, cause I'm a bit nervous about studying to China next month~sigh. Anyway, it is gonna be a new story for me in 2011 as well...
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