Feeling back HOME

This December 2010 is the happiest month because I am at HOME.. the greatest feeling of going back is the feeling of all hassle things at home. My home is not a typical quite family and peaceful environment. We all have loud voice (I'm loud at home only). My parents and my sister are having high volume voice, we like shouting and yelling each other, it is not fun but that's my family type. I always wondering our neighbour might get used to it already and think our family always have arguments. While we tell about A topic it will develop to another D, G.F topic, from the past to present. It's funny somehow when I think of that. And, it is normal for me for not talking whole day. we are not a romantic family with lots of hug and kisses or warmth words. Well, this is not only my family and I think all families in this world would have the same experience. All I can say here is I love my family :D..


Another feeling is when I came to the temple and prayed in Sanskrit and Indonesian. I really love this feeling and how I missed to recite those mantras for ages. It feels fresh and enlightened my mind. I always pray "please always lead and guide me to the right way" because deeply inside, my heart telling me something has changed and I might go to the wrong way.

and oh yeah, I met my long lost friends. We havent met for ages..It was really nice while we were talking and laughing. Love you all my friends and sorry because we have lose contact for a long time and we will lost contact again. However, I believe...
"It does not matter if the person you used to close with or maybe this person has significantly changed and forget about you. Yet, the most important is you will always know and remember the feeling you have shared together. This feeling will never be replaced in your heart." We enjoyed the laughter and happiness and wish it will last and we hope we could forget all misery and sadness events in the past. In the end, all these memories would stay still in our deepest unconscious mind.

I might blame How could he/she change and totally different from the past, but then I realized that I am not the same person as yesterday and so does everyone..

2010 Memories

WOW! It is almost the end of year 2010. Today I was reading one of my friend's blog and it is inspiring me to update my personal blog. I totally forgot about my own blog~~ sorry my blog :p

This time I am going to reflect back my 2010. Once, my friend asked me "how do you think of 2010, now is December.."

well...well.... All of sudden every moment flashed in my mind. What I have done so far..? what things i feel not satisfied? and in the end I can't regret of everything happened in my 2010.. what I can say "each year has different story, different moment and different goal"

This year I have noticed something changed with myself either I'm going mature or less mature :/ haha..

anyway, I realize Who Am I indeed. I am still a shy and reserved girl but this year I could do something that I would have never imagined. I do not have to explain what I did here. I could have lost the "OLD" me. Fortunately, it does not happen.

Thanks to people who I met this year with their totally opposite mind, attitude and behavior. The good thing is I can stand on myself, cause it is morality and psychologically challenging. I can't judge how bad people from their behavior because I know I am not good enough and not my business though. And it is totally wrong if I am comparing myself with others~ Everyone has different world.

"Letting go" lesson~ I saw how hard to let go someone who we love (because he/she leaves you or you have to leave him/her). Tears, angers, hatred, and denial. Forgive is the hardest part and I believe the harder we can forgive this person, the harder we can forget. By the way, it is not only about love issue, also for every relationship we have with family, relatives, and friends.

It is easily to say yeah.. I know. What I know, it is important to protect your own heart and yourself. After all, it is just mind-game where we do not focus much on how suffer and desperate your life cause actually it is not as worst as you think.

I met many people and see how people actually lost in their life, you know you're not alone. And some people who are really confidence with their life path and success. I might be the one who still do not know my future and I am desperately need a stable life. Every night I tell to myself, Ok, D.. what's next? what are you going to do next? a year has gone. My mood was up and down lately. I have finished all things here (just a little more) and I'm ready for the next stage of my life..

I would miss all FUN and relax time in Malaysia (maybe relax is not the right word because I always have something to do, finding something to make me busy or just to kill my time. I'm easily bored actually. However, it is considered as RELAX compare than super busy women at my age).

In the end, again, I'm struggling with myself, "Come on! what do you want?!" ~~!!

Race does or does not matter?

It sounds a big topic, but I just want to share my opinion here..

What is culture shock?

Culture shock is the anxiety and feelings (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) felt when people have to operate within a different and unknown culture such as one may encounter in a foreign country. It grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for, or even disgust (moral or aesthetic) with certain aspects of the new or different culture (www.wikipedia.org).

As a foreigner have you ever experienced this?

Personally, staying in Malaysia I do not experience much cultural problems. As Malaysia and Indonesia share similar culture roots. However, we all know that Malaysia has multicultural environment and this has helped me to learn from all interactions and observations with many people from diverse countries, race, religion, etc. It might be not so much "Culture shock" for me and overall of this topic only my opinion.

I should put my words carefully here...What I have noticed is the race discrimination is very obvious in Malaysia either it is personal prejudice or in the workplace. This has made me a little uncomfortable because this topic always comes in the daily conversation, website, newspaper, etc. On the surface, it looks peaceful but if we are going deeper a lot of issues appeared. How they judge a person from skin, from your face feature, from what nationality and keep mentioning what race you are. Why it is so important?

It was pretty annoying because I have an Indian name with Chinese looking. They thought I was Malaysian-Chinese or Indian-Chinese ( =_= )'' because of that I had to explain where I do come from and why I have Indian name instead of Chinese name so many times..

Also, there are Chinese culture, local, Indian culture of organization. For local company there are more Malays and so does Chinese company. In short, people create the organization culture and they would prefer to hire people who share the same attitude and culture. Another thing that heaps of peope complain is customer service manner. It is very rare to see customer service or shop assistants always smile, greet you, or say Thank you. "Customer is not a King".

In my country, we also have this problem and it is a huge country with hundreds ethnic, races, and religion. People are having their own prejudice towards particular ethnic. Foreigners are scared when they see news about ethnic war, bombings and how unsafe my country. But, indeed no matter what race are you, we always say we are from one nationality. We do not emphasize I'm Indonesian-chinese here or she is another Indonesian-....( any race). And the funniest one, a Malaysian-Chinese told me that he did not know there are lots of Indonesian-Chinese in Indonesia. And again, I have to tell them how huge and diverse people that my country has.

In the end, this is just my story. We can not judge or generalize my thought about a country or race. Malays, Chinese, or Indians they are good and expecially in my class everyone is friendly, welcome and very helpful. The thing is how open our mind by not judging people from their skin color, race and religion?

A big sister role

Hola! This afternoon I had lunch with my friend. All in sudden I talked about why I like to teach and help people in studying. I have no burden to do that and yeah maybe I just want to help them with my capability in knowledge..

I told her, It might be my role in the house as a big sister I used to help my brother and sister in studying. Suddenly I missed that memories. When I was child, my brother is my best friend in the house and my enemy as well.. I used to help him to borrow his friend's notes or homework, went to his friend's house at night, and wrote in rush. I complained and scolded him how I felt embarrassed because of his laziness..

Then I realized he was just a small kid who might not know what is "study" meaning, very playful, had no worries about grade, and doesn't like to study. and yeah how many people like studying?.. I wish I can be like him never worried about studying!

But then as time went by, my bro has changed and more responsible with his study. He is still lay back one but no worries he knows what he has to do..

A big sister usually has a leadership personality, able to guide and control their bros and sis, take care them, listen and give comment to them. However, in the reality not all big sister has this kind of capability. Many of them like me and my friends who are a big sister always been bullied by our siblings. I can't find the reason maybe our character is not strong and fierce enough..we become the weakest and being burden with the responsibilities to be the best and as a model for our brothers and sisters. The eldest somehow acts as experiment, if we are failed to do well then it the brothers and sisters won't ever do the same, all we get is shame and regret. But if you are the real big sister with a strong character, you can make your siblings unite and care each other. All the best for big sister~ <3

Don't read my face..

Dang! I learned psychology and I fall in love with people's behavior. However, I can resist in how good someone can read my face and emotions. It was surprised me..

And yes, I am like a white paper. A white paper that plain and simple. I will always show what I feel at the moment, a blatant and a straightforward person. Say it first then think. Somehow I feel so stupid because of my words..

And some people are good in manipulating their emotions. I'm not an expert in this. But I wonder why some people choose to hide their emotions? maybe they feel shy to reveal their weakness, or pride matters? Nobody wants look weak and pitiful. how long they can keep a poker face?

Maybe I'm just too sensitive?

Welcoming July..

~The days are long but the years are short~

July! Time flies too fast ? yeah! It feels like few days ago of January.. and now I am at the middle of 2010.Is it just me or you all feel the same? so, what's next ? Time flies and I always feel compete with time. Each day seems boring and same and suddenly it would be no longer September, Oct, Nov, and Dec. We meet same person, go to the same place, do the same things, but remember this time would never return back. One day we might not meet this person again, won't go to that place again and we will miss our past activities we have been through. As same as how I miss my primary school life, secondary school life, high school and college life.

I feel grateful for coming and studying here, it is gonna be 2 years in August. Many thanks for my parents for their support, new friends that I have never thought I would have, all moments we spent and it is sad to think that one day we might apart.

Hopefully, I will see signs that lead me to something in my life. Hehe..yeah I believe in signs, it was like clues in your daily life. It was happened before I decided to studying overseas and I never think to go to Malaysia. However, no regret for this experience.

We have many choices in our life, we can decide what we want but we will never know what will happen in our life, just believe with positive thinking there is always a beautiful thing in our life journey.

The End of May

Here you go, it might be my last post for this end of month since the latest update was last month?

Today as usual, my morning ritual Open Facebook! haha...n I opened the Tarot things for fun. I wrote a question and the answer was really not answering but I like the result. Here one of them:

Strength
Strength and fortitude. From energy follows thought and action. Power that is respected. Quiet control of oneself and others. Need to bring strength from deep within and continue on in face of adversity. Strength of mind as well as body is needed. Difficult tasks ahead. Focus on all goals at once. Control of all resources at one's disposal. Ability to do what is needed when time is right. Knowing oneself and one's gifts as well as one's weaknesses.

yah..I got some clue about strength. This term always goes around my day recently. "Strength and weaknesses" and those tarot result seems a summary of all I have learned from the book! And It is not for me only, but for you all readers here.

How far we have known ourselves? It is easy to say but hard in practice indeed. We are always not sure about ourselves. We know we have changed from one point to another point but we just never realized.

Knowing oneself. Personally, I know myself but somehow I do denial or make it as an excuse of my behavior. However, now I tend to accept it, no more denial but still I use it as excuse..hehe..

I'm the one with high introvert- shy, quiet, reserved, hardly to get know and to blend with people that I am not close with. But I found my strength here. I might not be sociable as extrovert people but I am not picky in making friends. I seek people who are compatible and comfortable with. It makes sense! I found my strength here. I might have few friend but it always deep relationship. Sharing and listening is part of it and from there I learned a lot about people's life and attitude.

Facts believer. Yes again...I believe in action not words. I must see then I will believe. that's why I am not easy in trusting people's story and again I will ask details for it. I think this is one's principle. It is nothing to do with characteristic or personality that you have.

so, have you started knowing yourselves? All bunches of personality tests, zodiac tests only a facilitator. You can say" it is similar like me", "oh yeah..it's true" but Who knows you best is always YOURSELF.

Spend your personal time to reflect and you will know the key to explore yourself.

Smile while you can SMILE

With Smile we spread our happiness for everyone

With smile we make them smile for a second and change his or her mood for a second

With smile we tell me them that "I remember you"

With smile we start to be a friend for a life time

With smile we cheer them up from sadness

With smile we give them HOPE

With smile you forget your burden and hurts

With smile you sure that "I am strong enough"

With smile you keep yourself up

With smile before you sleep " things will be going all right" for that day

With smile you make your face looks younger than your real age

So

Keep smile even though you know you're unhappy today....

Keep smile even though you wanna cry...

Keep smile even though you know can't do it, not because you're stupid or not talented. but you have something more which is your strength...

Keep smile even though people slander you, coz you know you're right...

Keep smile even though they don't like you...

Keep smile even though you look awkward when you smile, u just need practice..

Keep smile for any challenge in your life...

Smile while you can SMILE because it is a gift ^^ but please smile in the right situation.. :D

-Deph-

Beach, play, and swim

Terempa Island, Kepulauan Riau.
Indonesia

I really miss to go to the beach...

this pic is my parents' hometown in Indonesia. It is surrounded by mountain and sea with splendid scenery.

If you wanna swim just jump from the house, because most houses are built on the sea.
but of course, there are many houses on the land near the mountain too.

I miss swimming in the sea with waves pushing and pulling you. Although the smell would not be nice after that but the feeling is different, it's like your 'soul out' when you jump and dive in the sea.

Wish I can go there again..!